SLEEPLESS

Here we go yet another sleepless night .So many thoughts floating in the abyss of my mind, things that were things that could be and things that will never be.the things i have the things ive lost the things ill never have , lives stopped short the person i was the person i am now and the person i could be. thought of the changes that are starting can i really succeed this time or will i fail yet again? Have i broken my life beyond repair, am i able to make something of the broken pieces?then there are the thoughts of her the only real happy thoughts ive had in so long and it scares me so many things work against me on that one, I was told once that (" i will never have anything good in my life because im not worthy of it i dont deserve it oh dont be mistaken you will get good things but you will always lose them because you dont deserve happiness.") was that person right ? I pray not but at times when i look back at my life i think they might be right. I have always tried to do right but in the end i just fuck up. they say your life is what you make , well it seems that every thing i touch i break. I would give anything to break that cycle.I dont like the person i am at times, i feel like i have nothing to offer to anyone at times just undying friendship but my friendship seems hardly enough. I dont always feel this way actually as of late i feel like there is more to me than i thought like a part of me buried long ago before all the heartbreak and problems started has come to the surface once again and i feel worth something again. but will it last? who really knows?I guess i can only fight for those things i want so bad and hope for the best . If they dont work out then so be it i will just have to pick myself up and give it another go. the problem is ive fallen so many times that it gets harder to pick myself up each time. If it were not for my friends i would have stayed down long ago. Well the one thing is for sure a new page is starting in my life yet another chapter in the book of synn

and on a side note thank you to the FAM for always being there for me thank you so much

WORDZ TO LIVE BY

WATER IS WET ....
THE SKY IS BLUE....
BITCHEZ ARE CRAZY!!!!

I am my own worst enemy I'm not the smartest motherfucker and shit, I don't pretend to be And why I am the way I am is not a mystery My mind's not in proper working order or in therapy The brain's confused and mentally abused Life's been hanging on a string so what the fuck I got to loose? And what the fuck I got to prove to you? If you don't know me by now, you'll never know me You can put that on my real homies I got problems and they stack like bills And I relate to the broken, bleeding heart love killed And I awaited in the shadows, awake in the dark Hoping to talk to the passed on, I'm falling apart I'm such a mess and decisive, I'm fading away I'm out of touch with society and living today Never relying on my sanity, I threw it away To become the maniac that's got your attention today I took a look at myself and came to grips with what I found It was a vision of a child, disturbed and broke down No soul, no heart because I gave it away No time for feeling sorry, I'll grieve another day And all those tears are stored in storm clouds That hover above me and cover the ugly Continued to haunt me when I was feeling low That's the same reason I hold on and never let go

taken from afraid of me by twiztid

THANKS

THIS IS FOR A FRIEND WHO HAS CONSTANTLY MADE ME FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF , FEEL WORTH KNOWING , KEPT A SMILE ON MY FACE , AND KEPT ME ON MY TOES, A TYPE OF FRIEND I HAVE NEVER HAD BEFORE OR EVEN THOUGHT I COULD HAVE. SO MUCH LAUGHTER AND FUN . SO MANY OF EACH OTHERS THOUGHT FINISHED TO THE POINT ITS ALMOST WEIRD. YOU HAVE GONE OUT OF YOUR WAY FOR ME ON MORE THAN ONE INSTANCE AND I GREATLY APPRECIATE IT ( MORE THAN YOU KNOW ) GIVING AND CARING YOU HAVE BECOME ONE OF MY CLOSEST PEOPLES ( FRIENDS JUST DOES NOT SEEM TO DO YOU JUSTICE). NEVER A DULL MOMENT AND YOU TAKE ME FOR WHAT I AM YOU NEVER JUDGE ME AND YOU SEE THINGS IN ME OTHERS DONT . ITS A RARE THING TO FIND A FRIEND WHO HAS ALL THE AFORE MENTIONED QUALITIES AND I AM LUCKY TO HAVE YOU AS A FRIEND.
WHEN THINGS WERE AT THEIR WORST FOR ME YOU GAVE ME THE ADVICE COME HOME TO YOUR FRIENDS , WORD I WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER YOU INSIPRED ME TO RETURN AND I MEAN IT WHEN I PROMISED YOU I WOULD STAY. YOU ARE A SPECIAL TYPE OF PERSON AND DESERVE THE BEST IN LIFE.
THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING IT MEANS SO MUCH TO ME AND I WOULDNT TRADE IT FOR ANYTHING.
REMEMBER IM HERE FOR YOU ANYTIME
JUST CALL MY NAME AND ILL BE THERE
YOU WILL ALWAYS BE ABLE TO COUNT ON ME WHEN YOU NEED A SHOULDER TO LEAN ON OR AN EAR TO LISTEN <>

HOME AT LONG LAST!

WELL ITS ITS BEEN ALONG TIME SINCE IVE BEEN HERE SPREADING THE WORD OF SYNN. ALOT HAS CHANGED IN THE LAST WHILE SO ILL TRY TO GET IT ALL IN THE NEXT FEW POSTS.
WELL FOR STARTERS IM BACK HOME IN THE BAY AND WHAT A RELIEF IT IS TO BE HERE, CLOSE TO MY BEST OF FRIENDS . YOU KNOW THOSE FRIEND WHO ARE ALWAYS THERE FOR YOU NO MATTER WHAT IS GOING ON OR WHAT HAS HAPPENED THE FRIENDS WHO REMAIN CONSTANT THROUGH OUT LIFE THE ONES YOU TRUST MORE THAN ANYTHING. AND NOW THAT IM BACK THEY MAKE ME FEEL AS THOUGH THIS WAS MY HOME ALL ALONG . MAYBE A BETTER WORD TO DESCRIBE THESE FRIENDS IS TO CALL THEM THE FAM, THATS WHAT THEY ARE TO ME FAMILY THE MOST CLOSE FRIENDS CAN GET A CIRCLE OF FRIENDS (FAM) WHO WILL DO ANYTHING FOR EACH OTHER NO MATTER THE PRICE. i WANT TO TAKE A MOMENT TO THANK THOSE PEOPLE FOR MAKING ME FEEL AS THOUGH IM WORTH KNOWING. AND ONE OF THEM IN PARTICULAR FOR PUTTING A SMILE ON MY FACE ALMOST EVERYDAY AND MAKING ME FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE FEEL LIKE IM SPECIAL AND WORTH THE TIME TO KNOW (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE). TO ALL OF YOU

THANK YOU FAMILY FOREVER

The Calling

Ahh the calling has hit me once again.I find my self once again thinking of home . My friends my family, The places I went , the sights, the sounds all of it missed so much. The calling started last night when I was out with a friend here who used to live in thunderbay and we spent the night just talking about how much we missed the place.I have to admitt when I was there all I did was complain about how much the city sucked, but now I realize just how much thunderbay meant to me There really is no other place like it beautiful and ugly at the same time , I cant count how many times I spent hour upon hour at the marina just looking at the lake and the sleeping giant , or the days spent on the mountain look out, trips to the terry fox lookout, summer days spent at boulevard lake, the camps on lakeshore drive, even simple things like the mall. So many Places spent with my family and the closest of friends. I never thought I could miss a place so much, But alas I do. It is in my thoughts, my dreams, my blood it is a part of me as much as my heart is. Will I ever end up there again? I dont know.

Im sorry....

This is to a special person to whom Ive not been a very good friend to as of late.You should know who you are.Ever since you came here I have been distant and unreliable, I have ditched out on you countless times and most likey made you feel unwanted at times .But it has been in the last month or so I have really been slipping I let one weekend get in the way of one of my most valued friendships. Its funny I was so scared of my feelings that I sabatoged my self in the end .Idont offer any excuses just a sincere apollogy in hopes thst some part of the friendship can be salvaged. Ive said alot of things in the past and I know you are tiered of hearing the same thing so Ill only say this I am sorry more than you can possibly realize. I feel that I have let you down and probably I have, those are consecuences I will have to live with . You are one of my favorite people you are warm and compassionate, you have always been there when I need you most no matter how frusterated you became with me.Always you showed me the right path to take (even if I didnt follow it) You always cared, ever when I gave you more than enough reason not to.You are a true friend more than any,You are the reason I have always picked myself back up and kept on trucking. How have I repayed all this? by being a complete dick for one reason or another. I just want you to know I am sorry I love you now and always (as a friend or as more take it how ever you want. They say you rarely get a second chance , well I ve gotten third fouth fifth ... etc from you I just hope that I have not run out of chances But would not be surprised if I have Ive made a lot of promises and lived up to very few. In risk of repeating my self I AM SO VERY SORRY I NEVER WANTED TO HURT YOU .

The Man Who Was Not There

Today I sat and talked to the man who was not there
Alone in the dark but he was there
By myself in the mirror I did stare with him looking back
The man who was not there
Yesterday he was named happiness
tomorrow he will be despair
But today he is just the man who is not there
So for now I just sit upon the stairs
Talking to the man who is not there
Completely unaware that it is me who is not there

The Unexpected

Well its been awhile but here I sit once again and things are just not what I expect.I find myself drifting from those I thought I wanted to be close with, for one.So many nights wanting something more only to find myself doubting myself in the end. Why? I dont really know why maybe memories of what was possibly doubts of being to live up to expectaions or even fear of losing friendship in the end.
Another unecpeted event,an offer to move to back to ont but in a different city. The offer was the last thing I ever expected and it came out of left field and drilled right into me. The offer is great it all sounds so good but in my experience Ive found if its sounding good its ending horrible.this is something that I will be thinking long and hard about for some time to come,I cant afford to make any more wrong choices.Every thing about the situation just seems so perfect from my feelings about being in alberta to the people I miss so much I mean If I was back in ont I would stand such a better chance of seeing my children again, my family and my friends and as we all know my friends are my family and my family my friends. Ahh what to do if only there were a big bright neon sign that was like HEY YO SYNN THIS IS THE PATH YOU SHOULD TAKE!!!!! But unfortunatly life is not like that.Well lets hope some serious though will put me on the right path this time and I dont end up following my own footprints around a big circle in the snow!

FULL CIRCLE ...AGAIN!!!!!

Well once again it has been quite a while since Ive been here to spread the word of the life of synn.Ahhh where to start so much keeps happening to me , We shall start with the present I guess (we shall work backwards this time). I have come full circle almost a year to the day when i first moved here gained a few things and lost a lot. Now while reading this dont think I want people to feel sorry for me everything That happened to me is in some way shape or form self inflicted,that having been said we shall begin.For the few of you that have been keeping up with my misshaps and adventures, I am currently back in the little town I complained about so much. I was so happy to get out. But now I find a small part of me happy to be back there. And it all comes down to a few reasons why the main one being that I had to clear my head and get my bearings on where my life is heading, another major reason if a met a couple of people that I had not gotten to meet during my last stay(had I met thesepeople I would have probably enjoyed tofield alot more).Well through these people, one in particular I found myself smiling for the fist time in a very long time.As of late its been quite hard to get me to smile so I found myself stunned and stokked.I really hope some sort of friendship comes of this these are the kind of friends I need not just in times like this but all the time.
Now we skip back afew months to where I got involved with a great girl but ended up letting it all fall apart(yes another relationship I know ,Iknow dont say it). Things went good for a while even became close with her children But as we all know I can be an idiot, well things fell to peices and I lost mostly everything not that I had much to begin with but still... Anyways this time around I found I didnt really care about losing everything I found I was more concened about the direction my life was heading and the person I was becoming. I found that the things I hated in people were starting to surface in me and well I cant have that.Its kind of funny I had a few revelations about my life and me through conversation with the previously mentioned person in the first paraghaph <>I wont get into these revelations right now but Know they hit me so very hard that night will stick in my head for many a day to come.(christ Im starting to babble).
So anyways once again Im at the start anew point in my life with a new insight to life , who I am, and what I want from it all.I start yet another new journey yes a journey not an adventure because adventures are only temp but journeys can be life long, and from here what will be defined as my life will start.the first few words of ink have been written in the story that will one day be called my life.

Musical Ignorance

As of late Ive noticed a trend of musical ignorance.What happened to the times people actually listened to and had alove for various forms of music, it seems like every person I run into as of late is saying pretty much the same thing "I only listen to hip hop" or I only listen to metal" "country sucks" and the likes. Its kind of funny a person at work the other day was telling me how he has no use for rap and hiphop, the funny thing is he listens to bands like non point, primer55, korn, and machine head. Sure these are all metal bands but theya are also band who on several ocasions have said that rap and hiphop were some of their bigger influences. Now without rap these band would sound alot different or not even exist so how could he have no use for it I asked .He just stood there dumbfounded without an answer. About an hour later he returned to me and told me that he had not even considered that side of things before he had no idea that his favorite music was infact influenced by music he claimed to hate. I go through this ordeal on a regular basis with all types of music. Maybe if people actually sat down and listened to a couple of random cds of all types or even a few good mixed cds they might learn that the musics they hate (even though they only know a handful of song and a couple artists in that genre) actually has something to offer. Most common example Everyone I know claims to hate country but play some cash around them next thing you know they have a couple cash cds in their collection but hey " they hate country". All I am saying is take some time broaden your horizons and take the time to enjoy some thing different

The Deal

Well here is the deal Ive fallen in love .Ive said I have in the past but now I know what I felt then was something else.I know now What it truly is like to fully fall for someone and have them fall just as much in return.The butterflys you get when they are around that intensify when you kiss , the growing anticipation of seeing them as soon as possible the way a bad day can be brightened with just one smile,Laughter shared and time shared with family.Things are not perfect though but then again they never are there are always thing that try to get in between but those are the things that make you just try harder and in the end intensify the relations between you

The Devil Returns

Well its been along time since ive been back to update .I know there are afew of you out there wondering where ive been so ill sum it up as much and as briefly as i can.I have moved into the city (edmonton) no more having to rot in that tiny pittance of a town anymore.Things were rough at first such a large city and no one to really hang with.But things are better now Ive met some pretty kewl pEople(one in particular).Ive been at my job for about 6 months now aND THATS ALL GOOD.I found this awesome little bar a couple of blocks from my apt. I really enjoy the people there and it really reminds me of my bar back home.For the first time in my life I am actualy happy and spend a hell of a lot of time smiling( for reasons I shall discuss later when the time is right).

More to come soon I just want yall to know Im still alive and kicking all of you take care and keep checking back.

A Cluttered Mind Reflects A Cluttered Soul!!!

Why do I have to be a thinker.Everything is getting out of control in my head.Its Gettting to the point where I dont sleep anymore.I lie on my bed and things just start to overcome me my worries my goals my problems everything even random useless thoughts.I have way to much going on in my head.Im lost in thought all the time,but the funny thing is I cant keep a constant train of thought.Im always thinking about four or five things at once .Fuck how I wish I could just go to sleep and escape to my dreams where I dont worry about loved ones money work friends and all the random stuff in between.I was never like this before I wish I could figure out whats really bothering me. You would figure that It would be easy with all the thinking Im stuck doing.But with so much clutter in your head its like being lost in the fog on a dark morning I hope this all will end soon I dont think Im up to much more thinking and worrying.

The great Kris! My main man from Thunder Bay.This homie of mine has been there through alot for me.Like a brother to me he will always be family.Friends and family to the grave much luv.

INDEPENDANCE DAY IS COMING !

Yo Im so pumped Im finally in a position to get my own apt. Its been hell Living in other peoples houses. No privacy, no means to provide for myself and most of all the general problems of staying at friends. Ive been stuck like this since about the begining of march and it has really licked balls .My friend has agreed to get an apt with me(roommates really help).For the first time Im moving in with someone I trust fully. Actually were quite alike.That could cause afew problems but nothing we cant get past.Im so pumped about this Its been so long since I was really excited about something.Bang... My independance is finaly about to return thank god its about time.Wish me luck !!!!!!!

Psychopathic Records home to I. C. P. ,Twiztid as well as Esham, Blaze, Anybody Killa and Dark lotus

Hatin on the I C P

Icp are the world most hated band.I dont get how so many can hate them considering most people have not even bothered to give them a listen. the hear the name see the paint and automaticly hate them .I cant count how many times someone who claims they cant stand Icp
ask me what Im listining to because it the shit , I tell them and they are shocked "this is Icp "
I thought they were a metal band or I thought they played stupid kinds of rap" the point is boys and girls give music alisten first before you decide to hate it , you might just end up missing out and making a fool of yourself.

synn 77 aka max

Ryan 13 and dan G are two members of a web stunt crew spdst it stands for stupid people do stupid things with one full length dvd under their belt and a second due out soon They have gained quite the reputation for well thought out stunt and great filming for more info and trailers of their stuff check out the following sites
= www.dangonline.tk
= www. ryan13.tk
= www.spdst.com

Ryan 13 and Dan G two kings of hardcore

the friends I left back home LOng live the hardcore 

What the ????

Its funny Ive been gone from my home town for about a month now and people are still talking crap about what Im up to. The rumors are out of control.here is a list of the things Im hearing.
=I left town because I got some girl pregnant = bull shit!
=Im in rehab for drug abuse= I don't even do drugs!
=Im dead supposedly killed my self= Well im writing this call me ghost writer then!
=Im hitching across canada to find myself= Im not hard to find Im right here!
=had a nervous break down from my dad dying= the dad part is true but no breakdown happened
Now to clear all this up.I left town because I was hitting some pretty hard times.As mentioned above my dad did die a short time ago but Im coping fairly well in that aspect.My ex decided out of the blue that she for no aparent good reson she was going to move to quebec with my son (2 years ago that was the start of all of this ) Imoved on fell for another girl It did'nt work out. the spiral had started.I got nailed for child support(not a bad thing except for the fact that she has not let me hear from my son since she left NO phone number no adress or anything like that) Got into another relationship with someone from work. Big mistake. My checks got garnisheed 50% so she let me move in with her because I could no longer afford my apt. thing went down hill and she kicked me out on the street so she could hook up with this nineteen year old from work (By the way she lied about the reason for giving me the boot,she told me my financial situation would interfere with her getting her son back) So now Im homeless.I managed to find aperson from work to let me stay with them for a month until I could work up the cash for anew place.One week later I lost my job Homeless again.Ran into a friend who let me stay with him for minimal rent and sitting services. At this point I realized I needed a fresh start so I called a friend to see if I came out to edmonton If I could stay with him he said yes .Got my bus ticket and I was gone. Now Im here and Im starting a new life and I hope it goes alot better than the last but there are no guarantees in life so to all who read this wish me luck I sure could use it.

what happened to originality??????

has anyone noticed the growing trend of remakes.By remakes Imean just about everything now seems to be a remake of something from the past.For example every second song that comes out is a cover of some old song or at least has the music from some old song sampled into it,movies there is the same problem how many remakes can you thinkof that came out in the last couple of years ten twenty?All I know is there are a lot of them video games are the same way.Surprisingly the loss of originality has hit other areas as well cartoons there are alot of remakes there ranging from he man, transformers, g.i. joe, ninja turtles to even astroboy!toys are the same way to. Ill give toys a little bit of credit they usually go hand in hand with cartoons and movies so I won't bitch to much about them.I dont know but maybe Im a bit strange but I can only take so much of nostalga I mean most of these remakes I grew up with and I dont really see the need for them. Maybe Im just a little jelous that half the time the remakes are better than the things I held dear growing up(the little growing up Ive done) rehashing stuff like starsky and hutch and the dukes of hazard is just not needed.But hey you can bring back macguyver anytime!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What does the future hold in store for me?

The future what a topic.the future is the one thing in life that you can never predict it is and shall always be that way. You never see the things coming that grind down happiness as well the things that bring it.I sit and contemplate what the future will have in store for me.Will I succeed or will I fail yet again . Will this finally be the time things work in my favour with the girl of my dreams or will it all fall apart.Will I ever have that family enviroment Ive sought for all to long(my own or someone elses).Ive reached a point that I can no longer look into my past for answers,the answers just are not there they never were.I cant predict the future so I cant look there either.So Im left with just one option,live for today live for the moment and take the answers I need when the future brings them to me.for today and the moment are the only things I have control over.

what am I doing?

What am I doing. My life seems to be in an ever constant state of dissaray. Im in a new place with a new job and things are still the same. Friends are not who they seemed to be.Its like they punish me for leaving to better my life.maybe its just better if I just leave my past behind and start anew.In order to do so Im going to have to leave most of my friends in the past.They say if your constantly looking back youll just smash into stuff when you try to move forward.Maybe thats the problem.I spend to much time dealing with people from my past ex girlfriends and such.well for now I guess its going to be just me and the few that are here with me for now.
I hope that my friends understand that this is something I just have to do.Ive tried everything else to move forward in life and its all failed.they will all be missed I care for my friends deeply and they mean the world to me .